An experimental work of mystery fiction, published in the 19th Issue of Sheffield University’s Route 57. Photo by Greg Rosenke
Unknown Caller
M6 delays between junctions 17 and 18 after bridge collision
Karakoram Peak
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From Alex
Are you checking those figures from Q4?
You have a new memory
Fleetwood Beach
You spent £4,500 this week. Up 350% on the previous week
From Alex
Quick reminder:
Are you checking those figures from Q4?
Need report at 23:00
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Unknown Caller
Since you read In Search of Lost Time
This may interest you:
The Man Without Qualities by Robert Musil
Magpies crash out of cup after Sanchez brace
“Do one thing every day that scares you,” Eleanor Roosevelt
From Alex
The best advice I ever received was:
Always be honest
However much it hurts
So
It’s time I was honest with you
I like you
Everyone in the office likes you
But
You are not fulfilling your potential
I have drawn up ten reasons why this is the case
Unknown Caller
Hiya
Alright?
Don’t forget to take your prescription
Summer is arriving early
Want to dress to impress?
From Jackie
This morning, Charlie was eating a bowl of Shreddies, while I made sandwiches for school
Printed on the lunch box was a cartoon princess with green eyes, pink skin and perfect hair
You have a new memory
Asda Fulwood Superstore
From Alex
- You don’t reply to my texts. This is not professional
- You are always late with completing spreadsheets
- You are not enthusiastic about your job. This is not my observation. It’s the view of your colleagues
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From Jackie
I asked her:
“Who’s this girl in the tiara?”
“It’s Sofia,” said Charlie
“Is she from a TV series?”
“Yes. Her mum owns a shoe shop, and falls in love with a king. They marry, and Sofia and her mum move into a palace. The people who work there are a little bit rude to her, because she’s poor”
From Alex
- Your colleagues say you don’t listen to them, and you keep to yourself. Let me give you a tip: trust your co-workers, and they will trust you. Trust is the silent hero of every team
Weekly Report
You averaged 3h 45m of screen time per day last week
Down 30% on the week before
From Alex
- For our company to grow, we must adapt to an increasingly complex and competitive world. That means we need new ideas. You don’t come up with new ideas. You don’t offer solutions. You offer the same
You are Same Guy. Not Change Guy
Convince me you can be Change Guy
Change into Change Guy
Switch to low power mode
From Jackie
“What else happens?” I asked
Charlie said:
“In every episode, Sofia faces a problem, like something in the way of her dreams, or a person who stops her from doing what she wants to do”
“Does she succeed?”
“Yes, by using her courage and brains”
“Being a princess must help”
“It’s not as easy as you’d think”
Unknown Caller
From Alex
- You are more interested in your hobbies than completing your allocated tasks. I am sure this isn’t your dream job, and not where you expected to be when you were ten years old, or twenty, maybe even 30, but it is where you are now. The more you commit yourself, the more important the work will be to you, and the better you will perform. This will bring harmony to the office, and happiness to yourself. As a bonus, your colleagues will finally respect you
Fishermen stumped by ‘pig-faced’ shark caught near Naples
From Jackie
While she ate her breakfast, I told Charlie:
“There was an actual Princess Sophia, who lived in the 18th century. She was the twelfth child of King George III. The two of them were very close
“But he was a lonely and strange man. He could not stop talking and writing nonsense, and there were rumours about the crazy things he did. In Windsor Castle, he buried a piece of meat in the grounds, because he thought it would grow into a beef tree. Another time, he shook hands with the branch of an oak, which he mistook for a German King
“Sophia rarely left the royal household, and found it hard to cope with her father’s problems”
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From Alex
- I gather you have been under pressure at home, and our company understands personal situations. We are respectful, sensitive and patient
But we are also pragmatic
No one’s life is perfect
We all have issues
And those issues must not impact the job
From Jackie
“Sophia had a relationship with a former soldier who looked after the King’s horses. He was 33 years older than her and came from a lower class. Although the two of them were not married, she gave birth to a boy. The palace was ashamed of what happened, and did not want the British people to know about the baby
“So the king’s staff took the child from Sophia, and sent him to a far off town, where he was brought up by another mother
“She never saw her son again
“Like her father, she became sad and solitary, and would not leave her palace in London. She gave away all her money, suffered from many illnesses and lost her eyesight
“Blind, friendless and penniless, she died alone”
Charlie finished her Shreddies, and looked at the lunch box
“That is reality,” I added
“I get your point,” Charlie said. “I just don’t understand why you think reality is so important”
Hiya
Alright?
Your order is ready for pickup
“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up,” Babe Ruth
From Alex
- Your colleagues make sacrifices for your benefit, and you never do the same in return. Take me: It’s Friday night, and I should be out to dinner with my other half, playing squash or watching a film. Instead, I’m writing this list for you
105-year-old: ‘The secret to a long life: eat a cheeseburger every day’
From Alex
- This is not about ‘me’ and ‘my opinions’. I know we’ve had arguments in the past, and I’ve apologised for raising my voice on a number of occasions. But you have to understand that if I can ‘man up’ and say sorry for shouting, you can ‘man up’ and act on what I tell you
Karakoram Peak
Try this new Adidas outwear
A perfect match with the boots you bought from us
From Alex
- I know you and I are not the same person. Everyone is different, and differences are what make each of us special. Difference is healthy and good. But not this kind of difference. Not your kind of difference
You have a new memory
Motorway Service Area, Knutsford
Karakoram Peak
The rucksack you liked is out of stock
Click here to buy something else
Unknown Caller
From Alex
I can’t believe you are not replying
Even after I sent you that feedback
20-car pile-up survivor: ‘I saw a mile of hell’
“Do not be afraid to give up the good to go for the great,” John Rockefeller
From Alex
Do you want to be fired?
Vegan crocodiles quickened dinosaur extinction by 20 million years
Your walking time is down 25% this week
From Alex
I won’t do that for you
“Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else,” Unknown
20-car pile-up survivor: ‘Driver was speeding at twice the limit’
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Be honest with us
We can take it!
From Alex
I will not let you go
Hiya
Just a reminder
All your healthcare needs and advice are one click away
20-car pile-up survivor: ‘Swerving against the bridge looked deliberate’
You have a new memory
Honey Hill, Northampton
Robot donkey can stop rhino poachers
Michael Bird Writer & Journalist 